Online Dating Advice

If you want to have any success in online dating, you’d better have good profile photos. No matter how well you’ve written your online dating profile, having good photos will make sure more matches click through to your profile, give you winks, respond to your messages, and ultimately date you. So, here’s why your photos won’t do those things for you.

1. 

   Need to eat brains. Because I have none.
   You aren’t smiling: It doesn’t matter how attractive you are – you don’t look good in an online dating profile photo if you aren’t smiling. This is your match’s first impression of you, and you want them to feel good when they see you. People tend to mirror the people they see. If you’re smiling, they’ll be smiling. If they’re smiling, they’ll like you. Get it? Also, having a smile is great; but having a genuine smile is even better. Try to find a photo from a time you are really smiling – like at a friend’s wedding, or your birthday party. When you are surrounded by friends and family, your smile will tend to be more genuine, and that shows.
2. You’re clearly with your ex: So the best photo you can find, is you with your arms around your ex. For the love of god, crop them out. If you don’t know how to do that, find someone who can.
3. You painted someone’s face out: Just because you shouldn’t put up a photo of you with your ex doesn’t mean that you should just pull out the paint program that came with your computer and paint a black box over their face. This just looks cheap. Crop, crop, crop – or find a different photo.
4. The lighting sucks: Poor lighting in a photo can make even Adonis look like Quasimodo. As a general rule – avoid harsh lighting: this would be extreme sun that is making you scowl and making your eye sockets look like wells that small children could fall into – or even – gasp – a flash. Yes, flashes generally make photos look like crap. Or rather, they make you look like crap. They make your skin look like a chrome dildo, and they make your eyes look like they belong to The Terminator (the infamous “red eye”). If a photo has these characteristics, is there no hope? Well, there are online dating profile photo touch up services such as ours; but it’s better if you can start with a good photo.
5. You aren’t wearing a shirt: Guys: chicks don’t want to look at pictures of you posing with your shirt off. Girls: well, if you can get a picture of yourself with your shirt off onto a dating site – it may just be the type of site that will get you what you’re looking for ;) Unless there is a darn good reason that you have your shirt off, just keep it on. It will do more damage than good.
6. 

   Okay, so it's not in your bathroom. Smartass.
   You’ve taken it in your bathroom mirror: You’ve got lots of friends, right? Then why does your profile photo look like a MySpace photo circa October 2005? Get one of those friends to take a photo of you, or use a tripod, or rest the camera on something. You may have to try a few more times to get yourself into frame properly, but it will be worth it.
7. You’re using “the angles”: Ever run across one of those profiles where the person has a dozen pictures of themselves, but you still can’t tell what they look like? This is probably because they are using the angles. They’ve got photos of themselves from every possible angle except for straight-on, eye level – because then you would be able to see what they look like. Never bother meeting one of these people because it means they are either a) really ugly, b) too insecure to show you what they really look like, or c) both. Also, don’t be one of these people.

So there are the most common blunders that people make when putting up their online dating profile photo. Remember, no matter how well you’ve written your online dating profile, having good photos will make sure more matches click through to your profile, give you winks, respond to your messages, and ultimately date you. If you have a photo that is great, other than a few quality issues, remember that ODMM has a new online dating profile photo touch up.

Zombie photo by zenobia_joy. Mirror photo by sporkist.

I set out to find some patterns in the words people choose in their online dating profiles. The main interesting pattern I found was that women use the word “love” over “like” by a ratio of about 3 to 2. Guys use the word “like” over “love” by a ratio of about 4 to 3. Here’s some nice word art of the raw data (from match.com profiles in Chicago)

Girls like to love

Guys enjoy liking

Of course, it’s no surprise that guys are proving to be less expressive. They take things a step further down the superlative ladder by also using “enjoy” a great deal.

What can you do with this info? Guys, amongst other profile tips, try being more expressive in your profiles. Text is a very dry medium, and you need to really jump off the screen to pique a woman’s interest.

Word art created on Wordle.

I’ve told you plenty about what you should do with your online dating profile; but here’s some don’ts. These mostly apply to the guys, but ladies, watch out for some of this stuff, too.

1. Talking About Yourself Too Much: It’s your online dating profile, so it stands to reason that it should be all about you, right? Wrong. You are writing this profile for an audience; and to get your audience to pay attention to your profile – you need to connect with them. Everyone’s favorite subject is themselves. You don’t have to write your entire profile about your match; but you should have a good portion of your profile written about your match in a positive light (e.g. “you’re the girl with the warm smile that lights up the room, and a spring in your step”). If you do this, your audience will see themselves in your description, and be interested enough in you to make the first move.
2. Shirtless Pics: This seems pretty obvious to me; but from what I’ve heard from many women dating online that they get sick of seeing pictures of guys with their shirts off. “It doesn’t matter how good your physique is, we don’t want to see you with your shirt off,” writes Lisa, who has been dating on match.com. I think the core behind this is that women dating online get bombarded with enough sexually-charged creepiness. So, unless you can really find a good way to justify having a shirtless pic, it’s best to either leave your bod’ out of it. If you’re really in shape, maybe you can find another way to subtly communicate this, such as a pic of you rock climbing, in which one can conveniently see a little of one of your bulging triceps.
3. 

   Can haz punctuation & spell-check?
   Misspellings & Poor Grammar: This also seems obvious to me; but it gets neglected quite a bit. Run your damn profile through a spell-check if you have to (though most browsers have one built-in these days). Capitalize and use punctuation correctly; and watch out for your/you’re, its/it’s, their/there. Also, it’s been proven that “netspeak” performs poorly in online dating. Run your profile by a friend if you really have trouble with this. Heck, send it to me.
4. Negativity: You only have a few split-seconds to make a first impression – and you never get a second chance to make a first impression. You want your audience to feel good when they read your profile, and the best way to get this reaction is to speak positively about everything in your profile. Instead of saying you don’t like cats – say you like puppies; instead of saying you don’t want a cheater – say you like a woman who is loyal and reliable. Be positively positive.
5. Poor Photo Quality: It’s a shame, photos don’t really tell the truth like you think they would. A good photo is rare: a great, genuine smile, good lighting, and crisply in-focus. Poor lighting, bad camera optics, and too much compression or digital zooming can make Adonis look more like Quasimodo; and be a warning sign that you may be hiding something. Get a quality photo main of yourself, even if it means you have to hire a photographer, or get it touched up.
6. Being Too General: Sure, you love to laugh, you’re up for anything, and you live life to the fullest; but these are all too cliché. Text is a dry medium, and you need to spring off the screen at your audience. Be genuine, individual, and active. Instead, you might “think that if you’re too busy to laugh, you are too busy,” have “unlimited curiosity,” and “strive to make every moment count.” Instead of enjoying skiing, going to yoga, and hanging out with friends, you may “like to hit a few jumps in the terrain park on [your] skis, hit a warrior II in yoga class, and grab a Delerium Tremens at The Map Room with your friends.” You want to be specific, and use conversation nuggets, because they will give your profile life, and worth talking about.
7. Qualifying Your Presence: You may see plenty of profiles out there where someone talks about how they’re “skeptical, but trying this whole online dating thing out,” or their “friends talked [them] into it.” Don’t follow suit. All you do is make yourself look weak, and insult the very person who is viewing your profile.
8. 

   A trifecta of bad. Okay, so *we* covered up his face.
   Blacking Out People in Photos: If there’s someone in a photo that you don’t want to include, please, please find some tasteful way to crop them out, rather than just painting a big blob over their face. This just looks awkward, and if it’s someone of the opposite sex, your audience will assume it’s your ex (because it probably is). Google “how to crop a photo,” or get a friend to help you if needed.
9. Talking About Sex: For the guys, remember that women are getting bombarded enough as it is by creepy guys, who are sending even creepier messages. It may be that you’re a bit kinky; but please don’t say so in your profile. It will just give your audience the heebie jeebies. Girls should avoid this, too, because you’ll be getting enough attention as it is – and this probably isn’t the kind that you want.
10. No Call-to-Action: So she’s seen your great picture, she’s read about how exciting and active you are, she sees herself in your description of an ideal mate, now what? It’s not as simple as it sounds. You want her to contact you. So, tell her, right there at the end of your profile “send me a wink!”, also, throughout your profile, it may be good to have little questions, such as “I’m new to town, are there any good Thai places?” Commanding your audience to take action works time and time again, and this is why every smart marketer uses a call-to-action.

Avoiding these mistakes in your online dating profile can not only help you get active responses to your online dating profile, but can increase your odds of getting a response when you do send a message. Good luck!

You probably soon will want a date. Summer is ending, and the holidays are near. See here on Google trends that there is a huge spike in searches for “match.com” right around Christmas.

What do you *really* want Santa to bring you?

• Being alone during the holidays.
• Being around family: realizing you’d like to start one, or listening to relatives nag about when you’ll finally get married.
• Free time off of work.

There could also be some match.com advertising pushes during the holidays, and maybe some people just have New Year’s resolutions to find a significant other.

So, why delay? Write up your profile and get a date. Heck, you can even use a 7-day free trial if you want.

As I’ve mentioned many times, match.com is my favorite dating website. They have a great combination of solid features, and a huge membership base. There are lots of other dating sites that fulfill particular nichés, but it’s hard to beat match.com.

Match.com is free to sign up, fill out a profile, and wink (though, guys, you don’t want to wink); but to send messages to other members, and to read messages you receive, you have to be a paid member.

All over the Match.com site, you will see advertised a 3-day trial, with which you can communicate with other members. This is great, but 3 days is a little tight. Not much time to really make connections and secure dates.

3 days is for suckers!

But I found a much better promo, a Match.com free 7-day trial. If you use this coupon and get 7 days to send a bunch of one-line hooks, you can definitely secure a few dates for free.

Make sure you don’t get charged

One trick to be wary of if you go with this free trial is that Match.com will automatically charge your credit card at the end of the trial unless you cancel before then. So, what I recommend is: sign up for the free trial (you’ll need to enter in your credit card info), then immediately cancel your membership by clicking on “account” then “change/cancel membership,” and following the on-screen instructions. Your membership will remain active until the trial period is over. If you let your membership expire, your winks and messages will still pile up in case you do decide to sign up and pay.

Cancel before you get automatic renewal. Unless you're into that sort of thing.

6-Month Guarantee to boot

If you decide to pay for membership at the end of your trial, I do recommend going with the 6-month membership that comes with the guarantee. Basically, if you follow the requirements of this promo (have a profile photo active the whole time, keep your profile active the whole time, and contact at least 5 members a month), and don’t find someone special during that time, you get another 6-months free. I’ve had this guarantee granted before; and – I know – what good is a service that didn’t work for you in the first place?

I actually enjoyed having that 6-months free; but the main benefit is that fulfilling the requirements of the guarantee acts as sort of a dating coach. You have to contact at least 5 members a month – so maybe you send out one-line hooks to a few matches whom you were on the fence about and might not have contacted otherwise. I dated a girl for about 3 months who fell into this category – it was a good experience I probably wouldn’t have had otherwise.

The toughest part of fulfilling the requirements of your guarantee is keeping your profile active. If you’re contacting at least five members a month, you’re probably going on some dates; and chances are you will meet someone to the point where you feel like you should deactivate your profile. So, keep the guarantee requirements in mind before you do this. Maybe you keep your profile active and send a few obligatory e-mails because you have to? It depends on what you’re comfortable with.

So, sign up for your 7-day free trial by clicking here for the coupon.

Full disclosure: I do get a small referral fee if you start paying for match.com. I provide all of this advice for free despite lots of time invested and hosting fees etc., so I feel that’s fair. But, I absolutely wouldn’t recommend any service I didn’t think was great.

Writing an online dating profile is the most daunting part of online dating; but there’s little else so critical to your success. Since it is such a challenge, it’s no surpise that many profiles are clearly given very little thought – either by being incredibly short, non-descript, or downright cliché.

It’s no wonder why so many profiles begin to the tune of “it’s so hard to write about yourself,” but understanding yourself well enough to create a profile that represents you well is a healthy process. With a little guidance, your online dating profile can stand out from the millions of others to present the interesting you. A well-written profile will not only ensure that you receive responses when you make first contact; but will attract and motivate potential matches into contacting you – making your online dating experience easier, more enjoyable, and more successful.

Think about the conversation

The first thing to keep in mind is that an online dating relationship, leading up until your first date, is really like a conversation. To have a good conversation with someone, you need to be talking about something that both of you have knowledge of, and interest in. Your online dating profile is the start of this conversation, and you can feed this conversation by using conversation nuggets, or specific pieces of information that can be used to start a conversation. For example “do you know of any good Thai places?” is more specific – and more likely to start a conversation – than “I really like to go to restaurants.”

Before you start writing, hopefully you have picked some great photos – including at least one clear photo of your face, with a great, genuine smile, and at least three supporting photos, full of conversation nuggets. These are a part of the conversation, too.

Some general writing advice

Your goals for this online dating profile are going to be to represent yourself well – and honestly, but also to compell and entertain your potential match to the point that they really want more. So:

• Be funny and playful: joke around when you can, and have no shame in using emoticons. They can work wonders. As has been supported by research, laughing – in the form of “haha” can get you more responses.
• Be positive: you only have this short moment with your potential match for them to associate good feelings with you. So steer clear of any negativity. Don’t bother saying things like “no drama please,” “no cheaters,” etc. Concentrate on the things you do want, not the things you don’t.
• Be specific: remember, use conversation nuggets to be specific as possible about the interests you have and the things you do.
• Avoid clichés: just look around, and you’ll see a pattern: “love to laugh,” “laid-back,” “up for anything.” It’s so boring, you’ll want to poke your own eyes out. Don’t let your potential match feel this way about your profile.

The headline

The first thing potential matches will see on your online dating profile – if your chosen site uses them – is your headline. At the very least, avoid being cliché here. At best, be clever: “he who laughs, lasts,” it could try to elicit action “Click here for PUPPIES!”, it could be an overall life philosophy: “if you are too busy to laugh, you are too busy.” Notice that while “I love to laugh” is cliché, two of these great headlines are actually about laughing. Sometimes clichés are a good clue that you’re onto something, but it really helps to be original.

One final thing to keep in mind when you are writing an online dating headline is to be careful about how the site shortens your headline when in search results. Search for some profiles, and observe how the site cuts the headlines off in the search view. “Prepare to be blown away,” could wind up being “prepare to be blown,” making a bad dating headline even worse.

The about me section

Most online dating sites – such as match.com or okcupid – have a free-form “about me” section. Ideally, this section should be about 4-6 paragraphs long, consisting of a “hook,” a “personal philosophy,” an “ideal match philosophy,” and finally, a “call-to-action.”

The Profile Hook

You should start this section off right away. Like the one-line hook, this is something that really pulls the reader in, and gets them to continue to read the profile. Maybe it’s the start of a story “It’s been an unlikely life for a boy from Montana,” maybe it’s a rhetorical question “did you ever notice the best restaurants are hidden away, without a flashing sign – maybe people are like that?” Whatever it is, you need to not only convince that person it’s worth the effort to read the rest of your profile, you want them to be excited to do so, and then want to take the next step. Whatever option you’ve chosen, make it last one paragraph.

Personal Philosophy

I avoid calling this a “personal description,” more to jump-start your brain a little bit. Many people, when asked to describe themselves, wind up going into a very predictable list: “I’m laid-back, I like to hang out with friends,” etc.. But you know there’s more to you than that. This is probably why you are online dating in the first place: you are emotionally and intellectually complex enough that you need a bigger sea to fish. Get to the core of that, and describe it for 2-3 paragraphs. It could be something like: “I’m always curious about something new, because I feel a sense of urgency to experience all this world has to offer. So, lately I’ve been taking lots of classes: salsa, improv, ceramics…” Talk about your philosophy behind living life, and the things that you do that fit within that. It it much more exciting than a laundry list of things you “love” to do.

Ideal Match Philosphy

If you got the hang of your personal philosophy, you probably have an idea of what this is. Talk about the fundamentals behind your ideal match in – and this is very important – the most positive language possible. The goal behind this is to write something that is general enough that your match feels as if you are talking about them – yet specific enough that you are really attracting the person you want to. “You are made happy by the simple things in life: a bike ride on a sunny day, or petting a cute puppy you pass on the street. You carry yourself with quiet grace, solid confidence, and a bright smile.” Write flatteringly about your match for 1-2 paragraphs.

The Call to Action

This is where you get your match to take the conversation to the next step. It sounds simplistic. It may even sound stupid; but – in marketing research – telling people what to do next has been proven over and over again to work. This is why a web banner that says “click here” will absolutely get clicked more times than one that does not. Some of you may be saying to yourself “well, my match is smarter than that.” One: no they aren’t, and even if you think you are, if your behavior was tracked, we’d probably learn otherwise; and two: at least you can finesse it.

There is a hairline difference between your match deciding to take the conversation to the next step, and deciding not to. So, getting them to take that action could significantly alter the course of both of your lives. Guys, get the girls to use whatever ice-breaker feature is on the site, so “I’m usually attracted to shy girls, but just this once – give me a wink!” would do great. Girls, I know you don’t like getting things like winks, so something like “I’m friendly, so don’t be afraid – send me a message!” would be a good call-to-action.

Specifics

These are sections that ask you about specific aspects of your life, such as match.com’s “favorite hot spots,” “last read,” and “for fun.” You shouldn’t have much trouble thinking of content for these sections, but you can greatly improve the performance of your profile if you follow these guidelines:

• Be specific: remember, use conversation nuggets.
• Use active language: “I hit a Warrior II in yoga class,” is more interesting and dynamic than “I like to go to yoga class.”
• Ask for input: this is like putting a one-line hook right in your profile. “I’m new to the area, know of any good Thai joints?,” “thinking about trying a Dave Sedaris novel, which should I start with?” You’ll get messages from time to time on these things, and otherwise, it keeps your profile more interesting.

Try, try again

This template of sorts that I provide of course isn’t the only way to write an online dating profile; but if you’re stuck, or new to online dating, this is a great way to start. You might find that you really enjoy the process of trying to describe yourself in a couple hundred words. There are so many decisions to be made on what to include, and what to leave out. You may even try – as I have - writing your entire profile about your match, rather than yourself (this works very well).

Whatever you do, have fun. If you’re having fun writing your online dating profile, your matches will have fun reading it, and you’ll have much more success.

So, you’ve mined the conversation nuggets from your target’s profile, you’ve sent short, funny, and brilliant one-line hook, and boom, you’ve gotten a response. Now what? This is a very critical point in the online dating process, but this is the final step before meeting in person. This is “the kill,” if you will: the second message with an online dating prospect.

A high-value woman has an incredible volume of messages to manage. The fact you’ve gotten a response speaks to your online dating acumen. But because this woman has such volume to manage, you can’t waste time. You need to meet her as soon as possible. Additionally, you want to ensure that she is who you think she is without investing more time. So, you should have two goals for this online dating message: maintain interest, and secure a date.

First of all, to maintain interest:

• Build the conversation upon the conversation nuggets you used in your opening message – and those you can find in her response message.
• Stay playful and funny.
• Focus on her. Talk as much about interests that concern her as you can.
• Keep it short: you still have to communicate all of the logistics of a first date in this short message.

Now, for securing the date:

• Make it convenient for her. Maybe you’ve already learned what neighborhood she lives or works in, or her favorite bar or restaurant. Pick a place that is easy and comfortable for her to get to and be at.
• Propose a specific day and time. I recommend NOT picking a Friday or Saturday night. That’s valuable social real-estate, and if you don’t have it booked already – a beautiful woman does.
• Propose 1-2 alternate days/times, to smooth out the logistics of making this date happen. The last thing you want is back-and-forth messages: does this work for you? how about this? no? maybe this? Be a man – be decisive and lead.

As for activity – I think drinks are fine. You get a chance to talk, no distractions. In some cases some common interest (that still allows for first-date conversation) has been mentioned in the opening messages, and is just begging to be the focus of your first date. If this is the case, take advantage.

More specific advice on possible message scenarios can be seen in my post How to Get a Date Online.

OkCupid has conducted an interesting study regarding response rates based upon specific key words used in opening online dating messages.

Pretty fascinating, huh?

To summarize:

• Netspeak, such as “ur” and “luv” are a definite FAIL. However, expressing amusement by saying stuff like “haha” or “lol” increases response rates. I guess everyone really does love to laugh.
• Mentioning specific interests (i.e. conversation nuggets) such as “vegetarian” and “band” increases response rates. Getting even more personal, by saying stuff like “you mention” helps even more.
• Being self-effacing, by saying stuff like “sorry,” “apologize,” and “awkward” increases response rates; though I wonder if this skews to OkCupid’s demographic, which shies away from the traditional gender role of guys taking charge.

Go ahead and give this post a read. Experiment with this advice, making sure to use plenty of conversation nuggets in one-line-hooks, and report back, ASAP.

Also, in another OkCupid blog post, you’ll find that shorter messages are better, consistent with my One-Line Hook method.

A female reader forwarded to me this incredible match.com message.

Wow. The most entertaining thing is that this e-mail’s subject is “2nd attempt,” as if such an attack could be considered an “attempt” to win a woman over.

Sounds like this guy could take my advice about rejection and online dating. In summary, there’s so much volume when dating online, that you can’t be expected to decline every offer you get, especially in big cities, like where this reader lives. Also, there are plenty of reasons why someone might not respond.

Women, especially high-quality women, get an incredible amount of winks and e-mails on online dating sites. I’ve heard some women describe managing it all as “like a full-time job.” So:

• Don’t dwell on any one potential match whom you may or may not hear back from.
• Communicate with lots of matches.
• Don’t take it personally if some – or most – of them don’t respond. Not receiving a response to an e-mail is far less harsh than treatment you have probably received when attempting to approach a woman in physical space.

Got any no no communication tidbits you’ve received? Send them my way. I’ll keep you both anonymous.